What's Going On Here????
October 3rd 2006 14:36
Okay, okay, I’ll admit it, something is going on. I don’t know if its part of the aging process or if it’s hormonal, but there really is something happening.
Remember when you were a kid…there was always one “old” person in the neighborhood who scared the kids. They were mean and cranky and yelled a lot. Usually within that same neighborhood there was also one nice old person. You know, the one who gave everyone cookies and Kool-Aid and handed out great treats at Halloween.
I never thought about it much until I hit about 40. At that point I figured out that we are all going to become some type of old person. I wondered “when” I would know which type I was going to morph into. Was I going to be the nice old lady? I could see that. Or, was I going to be the one that kids shout things at and then run like hell from? Sometimes, I could see that. Hmm…
For all these years, I’ve speculated about which way I was going to be and when it would happen and IF I would even know that it happened. Well, something happened the other day and it may be that turning point. A dear friend of mine in Ohio called me after she read the blog and said, “What the hell is happening to you?” I was confused by her question. She continued, “Questionable Pic of the Day????? What the hell does that mean?” There was silence for a long minute. Thoughts were racing through my mind. She broke the silence, “Cathy, when you were younger, you would have never hedged like that! What’s going on?”
I sat quietly contemplating the meaning of her words. Damn! I’ve always been a very direct person, speaking my mind and never skirting issues…I know this is what she was referring to. In hindsight I can’t believe that I wrote that. The realization began setting in…this must be that moment, holy crap, I’m not turning into a mean old woman nor am I turning into a nice old woman…it’s worse! I’m turning into a politician. Maybe it’s like other maladies, if you admit it, you are then on the road to recovery? I sure hope so! Okay, here goes…MY NAME IS CATHY….and, ummm, uhhh…I’m a politician. Whew! There, now let’s get to this recovery thing.
…okay, I feel better…..
STORY BLOCK
The Wish - conclusion
Being in general population proved to be worse than anything Jim had ever imagined. The beds were less than two feet apart. The guy above him, vibrated the bed half the night and Jim didn’t know for sure, but he thought the guy was masturbating. Twenty four hours in the dormitory and he had already been threatened twice and someone had even taken all of his state clothes from him. He had nothing left but the clothes on his back. God, why had he messed up his perfectly nice, safe life?
Jim sat staring out the window of the dorm. From this position he could see the barb wire fence and beyond it, rolling hills and countryside. Except for the fence, it really was a breathtaking view. Too bad, it was going to be the last sight that he would see. All he wanted right now was for night to fall. That’s when he would do it. He closed his eyes and prayed for the strength he would need to end this nightmare. His thoughts were interrupted when the officer shouted, “Chow!” Jim shifted his gaze from the window to the room and watched as most of the inmates left the area. One inmate, a large, black man probably in his thirties approached Jim.
“Come on, man...its chow time.” the man said.
“I’m not hungry.” Jim said trying to sound confident.
The man stared at Jim for a second and then continued, “Listen, you don’t have to be scared...I’ll look after you. I know it ain’t easy for a white boy, but for ten commissary items a week, I’ll take care of you.”
Jim turned and looked out the window, ignoring him completely. Hell, he didn’t care anymore. Maybe this guy would get pissed at him and kill him so he didn’t have to worry about doing it. The man stood there for a couple more seconds and then walked away.
“Suit yourself...if you change your mind, just let me know.” he said as he left the area.
Jim was numb as he lay on his bed, looking at the bunk above him. The bed was vibrating. Doesn’t this guy ever sleep? The rest of the dorm was very quiet, but Jim knew he would have to wait until this guy was asleep. A half hour passed and the movement above him had finally subsided. If he was going to do it, the time was now. Jim slipped off his bunk, grabbing the top sheet and headed toward the bathroom. Once inside, he stood looking around the ceiling for anything that he could attach the sheet to. Spotting a single pipe near the side of the room, Jim knew this was it. Carefully, he climbed up onto a window beneath the pipe. Stretching slightly, he threw one end of the sheet over the pipe, tying it tightly. With the other end, he made a noose. I love you, mom...I love you, dad. God, please take care of them for me. In an almost ritualistic fashion, Jim put the noose around his neck. All he had to do now was to step off the window sill. He would do it now. He stood there. Jim took a deep breath. Okay, I’ll do it now. He lifted one foot. Shaking all over, Jim stepped off the ledge. He felt as if his head would explode. He tried to take a breath. Nothing happened. Damn, this wasn’t what he thought it would be like. Panic was starting to set in. All right...okay...it’s done. Jim struggled only a little as darkness engulfed him.
Jim woke to the sound of Mr. Fetters’ voice. His arms and legs were restrained.
“I thought you said you weren’t going to hurt yourself.”
Swallowing slowly, Jim realized he had failed again. He felt sick...and his throat hurt. Christ, how could one person be so inept? He opened his eyes and looked into the beady eyes that were staring at him.
“What are we going to do with you, Mr. Haning?”
Jim tried to respond, but could not find his voice. He found only pain... Mr. Fetters reached for a cup with a straw and held it to Jim’s mouth. Jim sipped at the water.
“Don’t try to talk right now...we’ll talk when your throat has a chance to heal.” Fetter’s placed the cup back on the stand. “You know, you’re going to be in restraints for a day or so, and then you’ll be on a constant watch.”
Jim flashed Fetters a look of understanding and then closed his eyes. He really did seem like a nice man.
Jim’s spirits were certainly higher than three days before. The restraints were gone and Mr. Fetters visited him twice a day. Jim admired the effort Mr. Fetters was putting into convincing him that life was worth living, even in prison. In fact, as much as he hated to admit it, he was beginning to believe him. Maybe he had been over dramatic. Obviously, most people survive the experience, even though it was not pleasant. Now, Jim’s dilemma was convincing Fetters that he really had regained his will to live. And if worse came to worst, I could always pay for protection. He thought of how glad he was when Mr. Fetters told him that his parents did not have to know about his stupid attempts on his life. It would disappoint them so much to know what he had tried to do and he had already caused them enough pain. Damn, he did feel better about life! He thanked God for Mr. Fetters.
Mr. Fetters entered the infirmary room smiling. “Well, are you ready to go back to population?”
Jim nodded with enthusiasm. Seven days in the small room was making him feel claustrophobic. He was definitely ready to go out there and give it a try. Mr. Fetters had let him call home the day before and that sealed the deal for Jim. Hearing his parent’s voices was all that he needed. He knew there were people pulling for him and he wouldn’t let them down.
“I got you a bed in the merit dorm...not that you’ve earned merit status yet, but it’s a lot quieter area and being in the psyche department, I can get that off.”
Jim smiled. “Mr. Fetters, I want you to know that I really appreciate all that you’ve done for me. I’m not the kind of guy who does crazy things...I guess I just lost it for a minute.”
Fetters headed for the door. “I know that, that’s why I didn’t mind using my clout card for you. Get dressed and go ahead over to your new dorm and get settled in. Don’t forget to come see me tomorrow at ten.” With that, Fetters was gone.
Jim threw his legs over the side of the bed and jumped up, getting dressed quickly. It was going to be a good day. He went to the front desk of the infirmary and signed some papers for his release. The officer at the desk handed him a slip of paper with his appointment time and date to see Mr. Fetters. Jim headed for the front door and then stopped.
“Can you tell me where the merit dorm is?” Jim asked the officer.
“Yeah...just go out the door and take a left. It’s the dorm right past the construction site.”
“Thanks.”
Jim stepped out into the sunlight. The sky was a vivid blue with just a few white fluffy clouds suspended above him. He inhaled deeply. He thanked God for helping him get it together. How he could have ever felt so hell bent on dying was beyond him today. A small flock of birds flew overhead. Life was good and Jim’s mind was made up that he was going to be part of it.
Jim turned left and walked toward the construction site. As he reached the front of the construction area, he stopped to take a look at the building. It was quite modern looking compared to the other buildings. It looked like it might be a nice place when finished. Jim watched as a worker walked along the roof line. The construction worker waved at Jim. Jim waved back thinking about the fact that most people were basically good and friendly. The construction worker continued to wave and was shouting something to Jim.
Putting his hand to his mouth, Jim shouted back, “I can’t hear you! What’d you say?” Jim hesitated for a second. Is he saying....watch out?
The prison chaplain stood in front of a small group of employees and inmates inside the chapel.
“When death comes, it usually gives no notice. When the death is a result of a freak accident, even when we hardly know the victim, it is a trauma we must all deal with. Inmate Haning was here only a short time, but he touched a few of our lives and it is sad that he went in such a tragic way. He was young and full of life and we must allow ourselves to grieve his passing. Who could know that the cable would break on a crane at the very moment he walked past. We can only console ourselves by knowing that in some mysterious way, it must have been his time...God’s will....”
NEXT UP – TOP PERFORMER
Rated R – some profanity, violence and sex
Remember when you were a kid…there was always one “old” person in the neighborhood who scared the kids. They were mean and cranky and yelled a lot. Usually within that same neighborhood there was also one nice old person. You know, the one who gave everyone cookies and Kool-Aid and handed out great treats at Halloween.
I never thought about it much until I hit about 40. At that point I figured out that we are all going to become some type of old person. I wondered “when” I would know which type I was going to morph into. Was I going to be the nice old lady? I could see that. Or, was I going to be the one that kids shout things at and then run like hell from? Sometimes, I could see that. Hmm…
For all these years, I’ve speculated about which way I was going to be and when it would happen and IF I would even know that it happened. Well, something happened the other day and it may be that turning point. A dear friend of mine in Ohio called me after she read the blog and said, “What the hell is happening to you?” I was confused by her question. She continued, “Questionable Pic of the Day????? What the hell does that mean?” There was silence for a long minute. Thoughts were racing through my mind. She broke the silence, “Cathy, when you were younger, you would have never hedged like that! What’s going on?”
I sat quietly contemplating the meaning of her words. Damn! I’ve always been a very direct person, speaking my mind and never skirting issues…I know this is what she was referring to. In hindsight I can’t believe that I wrote that. The realization began setting in…this must be that moment, holy crap, I’m not turning into a mean old woman nor am I turning into a nice old woman…it’s worse! I’m turning into a politician. Maybe it’s like other maladies, if you admit it, you are then on the road to recovery? I sure hope so! Okay, here goes…MY NAME IS CATHY….and, ummm, uhhh…I’m a politician. Whew! There, now let’s get to this recovery thing.
FRAUD OF THE DAY
STATE FARM
STATE FARM
…okay, I feel better…..
STORY BLOCK
The Wish - conclusion
Being in general population proved to be worse than anything Jim had ever imagined. The beds were less than two feet apart. The guy above him, vibrated the bed half the night and Jim didn’t know for sure, but he thought the guy was masturbating. Twenty four hours in the dormitory and he had already been threatened twice and someone had even taken all of his state clothes from him. He had nothing left but the clothes on his back. God, why had he messed up his perfectly nice, safe life?
Jim sat staring out the window of the dorm. From this position he could see the barb wire fence and beyond it, rolling hills and countryside. Except for the fence, it really was a breathtaking view. Too bad, it was going to be the last sight that he would see. All he wanted right now was for night to fall. That’s when he would do it. He closed his eyes and prayed for the strength he would need to end this nightmare. His thoughts were interrupted when the officer shouted, “Chow!” Jim shifted his gaze from the window to the room and watched as most of the inmates left the area. One inmate, a large, black man probably in his thirties approached Jim.
“Come on, man...its chow time.” the man said.
“I’m not hungry.” Jim said trying to sound confident.
The man stared at Jim for a second and then continued, “Listen, you don’t have to be scared...I’ll look after you. I know it ain’t easy for a white boy, but for ten commissary items a week, I’ll take care of you.”
Jim turned and looked out the window, ignoring him completely. Hell, he didn’t care anymore. Maybe this guy would get pissed at him and kill him so he didn’t have to worry about doing it. The man stood there for a couple more seconds and then walked away.
“Suit yourself...if you change your mind, just let me know.” he said as he left the area.
Jim was numb as he lay on his bed, looking at the bunk above him. The bed was vibrating. Doesn’t this guy ever sleep? The rest of the dorm was very quiet, but Jim knew he would have to wait until this guy was asleep. A half hour passed and the movement above him had finally subsided. If he was going to do it, the time was now. Jim slipped off his bunk, grabbing the top sheet and headed toward the bathroom. Once inside, he stood looking around the ceiling for anything that he could attach the sheet to. Spotting a single pipe near the side of the room, Jim knew this was it. Carefully, he climbed up onto a window beneath the pipe. Stretching slightly, he threw one end of the sheet over the pipe, tying it tightly. With the other end, he made a noose. I love you, mom...I love you, dad. God, please take care of them for me. In an almost ritualistic fashion, Jim put the noose around his neck. All he had to do now was to step off the window sill. He would do it now. He stood there. Jim took a deep breath. Okay, I’ll do it now. He lifted one foot. Shaking all over, Jim stepped off the ledge. He felt as if his head would explode. He tried to take a breath. Nothing happened. Damn, this wasn’t what he thought it would be like. Panic was starting to set in. All right...okay...it’s done. Jim struggled only a little as darkness engulfed him.
Jim woke to the sound of Mr. Fetters’ voice. His arms and legs were restrained.
“I thought you said you weren’t going to hurt yourself.”
Swallowing slowly, Jim realized he had failed again. He felt sick...and his throat hurt. Christ, how could one person be so inept? He opened his eyes and looked into the beady eyes that were staring at him.
“What are we going to do with you, Mr. Haning?”
Jim tried to respond, but could not find his voice. He found only pain... Mr. Fetters reached for a cup with a straw and held it to Jim’s mouth. Jim sipped at the water.
“Don’t try to talk right now...we’ll talk when your throat has a chance to heal.” Fetter’s placed the cup back on the stand. “You know, you’re going to be in restraints for a day or so, and then you’ll be on a constant watch.”
Jim flashed Fetters a look of understanding and then closed his eyes. He really did seem like a nice man.
Jim’s spirits were certainly higher than three days before. The restraints were gone and Mr. Fetters visited him twice a day. Jim admired the effort Mr. Fetters was putting into convincing him that life was worth living, even in prison. In fact, as much as he hated to admit it, he was beginning to believe him. Maybe he had been over dramatic. Obviously, most people survive the experience, even though it was not pleasant. Now, Jim’s dilemma was convincing Fetters that he really had regained his will to live. And if worse came to worst, I could always pay for protection. He thought of how glad he was when Mr. Fetters told him that his parents did not have to know about his stupid attempts on his life. It would disappoint them so much to know what he had tried to do and he had already caused them enough pain. Damn, he did feel better about life! He thanked God for Mr. Fetters.
Mr. Fetters entered the infirmary room smiling. “Well, are you ready to go back to population?”
Jim nodded with enthusiasm. Seven days in the small room was making him feel claustrophobic. He was definitely ready to go out there and give it a try. Mr. Fetters had let him call home the day before and that sealed the deal for Jim. Hearing his parent’s voices was all that he needed. He knew there were people pulling for him and he wouldn’t let them down.
“I got you a bed in the merit dorm...not that you’ve earned merit status yet, but it’s a lot quieter area and being in the psyche department, I can get that off.”
Jim smiled. “Mr. Fetters, I want you to know that I really appreciate all that you’ve done for me. I’m not the kind of guy who does crazy things...I guess I just lost it for a minute.”
Fetters headed for the door. “I know that, that’s why I didn’t mind using my clout card for you. Get dressed and go ahead over to your new dorm and get settled in. Don’t forget to come see me tomorrow at ten.” With that, Fetters was gone.
Jim threw his legs over the side of the bed and jumped up, getting dressed quickly. It was going to be a good day. He went to the front desk of the infirmary and signed some papers for his release. The officer at the desk handed him a slip of paper with his appointment time and date to see Mr. Fetters. Jim headed for the front door and then stopped.
“Can you tell me where the merit dorm is?” Jim asked the officer.
“Yeah...just go out the door and take a left. It’s the dorm right past the construction site.”
“Thanks.”
Jim stepped out into the sunlight. The sky was a vivid blue with just a few white fluffy clouds suspended above him. He inhaled deeply. He thanked God for helping him get it together. How he could have ever felt so hell bent on dying was beyond him today. A small flock of birds flew overhead. Life was good and Jim’s mind was made up that he was going to be part of it.
Jim turned left and walked toward the construction site. As he reached the front of the construction area, he stopped to take a look at the building. It was quite modern looking compared to the other buildings. It looked like it might be a nice place when finished. Jim watched as a worker walked along the roof line. The construction worker waved at Jim. Jim waved back thinking about the fact that most people were basically good and friendly. The construction worker continued to wave and was shouting something to Jim.
Putting his hand to his mouth, Jim shouted back, “I can’t hear you! What’d you say?” Jim hesitated for a second. Is he saying....watch out?
The prison chaplain stood in front of a small group of employees and inmates inside the chapel.
“When death comes, it usually gives no notice. When the death is a result of a freak accident, even when we hardly know the victim, it is a trauma we must all deal with. Inmate Haning was here only a short time, but he touched a few of our lives and it is sad that he went in such a tragic way. He was young and full of life and we must allow ourselves to grieve his passing. Who could know that the cable would break on a crane at the very moment he walked past. We can only console ourselves by knowing that in some mysterious way, it must have been his time...God’s will....”
NEXT UP – TOP PERFORMER
Rated R – some profanity, violence and sex
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Comment by Hope
Gifted Parenting
Freelance For Life
Comment by Cathy
Fakes Frauds Fools
Artist Quirk
Best Emerging Artists
Cathy
Comment by Bob Short
I'm forty six and I genuinely feel healthier than I did at thirty and saner than at any point in my life. I'm now beginning to think we don't have to grow into any stereotype at all.
When I see young kids making idiots out of themselves, it fills my heart with joy. I finally get a glimpse at the bigger picture.
Bob
Comment by Cathy
Fakes Frauds Fools
Artist Quirk
Best Emerging Artists
Comment by Bob Short
That's a personal thing and it doesn't reflect on the quality of work that goes on here. I love getting a glimpse into the world of other people's head and your blog certainly has that in spades.
Comment by Cathy
Fakes Frauds Fools
Artist Quirk
Best Emerging Artists
Take care and see you soon.